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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28219590">Starved to be touched</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luni_Ambrose/pseuds/Luni_Ambrose'>Luni_Ambrose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All Elite Wrestling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Gen, Mental Health Issues, No happy end, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:53:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28219590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luni_Ambrose/pseuds/Luni_Ambrose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>„You got a thing for forehead kisses?“ Cat smirked. <br/>„Yep. It’s his promise to be there in the morning. To be there whenever I need him.“ Chuck said, playing with his hands.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Starved to be touched</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Triggerwarning:<br/>This story contains:<br/>-selfharm<br/>-suicide<br/>-depression<br/>-anxiety</p>
<p>If any of this triggers you, please leave for your own mental health</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>„<em>Congratulations Catarina, </em></p>
<p>
  <em>You won the contest. The honesty about your struggle with the pandemic and your own condition stood out. Your price is a meet and greet at the upcoming All Elite Wrestling Pay-per-View, Full Gear. </em>
</p>
<p><em>Down below you’ll find all the information</em>.“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat was freaking out. The 30 year old woman had always been a fan of wrestling and especially what the newest company did was amazing.</p>
<p>A few weeks ago they had posted a contest to win the meet and greet and Cat just needed to send in her thoughts and struggles. She had suffered a lot, especially since the virus made the world even crazier. Wrestling was her escape.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She only had a few days to prepare. Which was challenging for someone dealing with depression and anxiety. But somehow she managed to pack up her stuff and get to Jacksonville.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was late at night when she woke up, completely sweaty and shaking. She was in the middle of an anxiety attack.</p>
<p>Cat paced around in her room, feeling like the walls were closing in on her. She felt herself getting lost in her fear. Quickly she grabbed her robe and left the room, nearly running through the hallway. Up and down, over and over again.</p>
<p>Cat didn’t realized that she was talking to herself out loud, trying to calm down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„Can you <em>please</em> shut up?“ a male voice from the other end of the hallway yelled and Cat flinched. She turned around to see Jack Evans standing there, with just some ugly white briefs.</p>
<p>Cat couldn’t speak a word. Slowly she walked back to her room while the wrestler went back to his. Suddenly Cat flinched, noticing that she had left her key card next to the bed. She was screwed.</p>
<p>Anxiety was rushing through her blood as she let herself glide to the ground, sobbing silently. At least at first. She couldn’t control her cries after a while.</p>
<p>The door across from her opened slowly.</p>
<p>„Hey, you okay?“</p>
<p>Cat looked up, through her wet lashes just to look at Chuck freaking Taylor in nothing more than black boxer shorts, his hair messy as hell. She couldn’t form any words, just shaking her head slightly.</p>
<p>Chuck kneeled down next to her.</p>
<p>„Do you have your room key?“ Cat shook her head again.</p>
<p>„Are you drunk? Or on drugs?“ His voice was soft, not harsh or insulting at all.</p>
<p>„No…“ Cat managed to whisper in between sobs. „Anx….iety…“</p>
<p>„We should get you out of the hallway… it’s cold out here. You want me to help you to go down to the front desk to ask for another key? Or is that too much for you right now?“ He just watched her carefully, not knowing what was going through her mind.</p>
<p>„Too.. much.“ She said and her whole body started shaking</p>
<p>„Okay.. We can go to my room.. it’s just a couple steps. I’ll help you.“ Chuck’s voice was like honey in her mind, words merging together into something she couldn’t really understand.</p>
<p>It felt like she blacked out for just a second or two but when she opened her eyes she was laying on a cozy bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„There you are…“ Chuck said and smiled at her from above. „Thought I’d take you to my room instead of just leaving you passed out on the hallway.“</p>
<p>„Thanks.“ Cat mumbled and felt herself blush.</p>
<p>„I'm Chuck by the way.“</p>
<p>Cat slowly sat up. „I’m Catarina but you can call me Cat if you want.“ She still felt some effects of her anxiety but she finally could speak again.</p>
<p>„Did this happen before? Passing out?“ Chuck asked with a concerned face.</p>
<p>„Don’t think so. But it wasn’t my first anxiety attack. Sorry that I’m causing you to lose sleep. I’d appreciate it if you could help me go down and get a new key.“ She tried to breath slow and deep but with her whole body still completely tense it was hard.</p>
<p>„You sure? You don’t look like you’re okay. I don’t mind, wasn’t tired anyway. I know I’m a stranger but if you want you can sleep in my bed tonight. I’ll just sit on the couch over there.“ Chuck grabbed two bottles of water from the mini fridge and handed Cat one.</p>
<p>Cat took a moment. „Chuck, that’s amazingly nice. But I don’t think spending the night in the hotel room of one of my favorite wrestlers would be a good idea.“</p>
<p>Chuck laughed. „Oh, so you know who I am?“ Cat nodded as she opened her bottle and took tiny sips. „Guess that changes the whole <em>situation</em>. I’m technically not a <em>complete</em> stranger.“ He sat down on the other end of the bed, careful not to get too close to her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„I’ve seen a lot of your matches but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know you and that you shouldn’t bother with someone like me.“ Cat felt dizzy.</p>
<p>„When was your last meal? You look like you’re going to collapse..“ worry was filling Chuck’s voice.</p>
<p>„Don’t know… maybe breakfast?“ Her heart was pounding in her chest.</p>
<p>Chuck jumped up and got some chocolate bars from the nightstand next to her. Quickly he opened one and held a piece of it right against her lips. Her skin was slowly getting paler as she reluctantly opened her mouth to bite off a tiny piece.</p>
<p>„Cat, you gotta eat that… <em>please</em>.“ Chuck pleaded and Cat nodded slowly and let him feed her the whole bar. Her skin color got back to normal within a couple minutes. Chuck gently touched her cheek. „Good girl…“</p>
<p>Instantly he realized that he just crossed a line, babbling excuses before getting up from the bed. Cat was completely startled. She felt her cheeks burning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„I’m sorry… that was…“ Chuck said, pacing in the room.</p>
<p>„…nice.“ Cat said, watching him.</p>
<p>He stopped in his tracks. „You’re not freaking out?“</p>
<p>„No. I liked that…“ Cat broke the eye contact. „Felt nice.“</p>
<p>Slowly Chuck walked back to her, sitting down on the bed. „Should I do it again?“ He was nervously chewing on his lower lip.</p>
<p>Cat nodded. „Yes, please.“ Her voice was thin and cracked but Chuck understood. He raised his hand to gently touch her cheek again, letting his fingertips glide over her skin. Her eyes fell shut and Chuck smiled softly. He let his hand explore her facial features before slowly touching her neck. Chuck could feel her heart beating like crazy.</p>
<p>„Is that okay?“ Chuck let his hand glide back to her face.</p>
<p>Cat only let out a happy sigh and opened her eyes. They were slightly clouded.</p>
<p>„Do you want to… like… cuddle?“ He asked, his own heart beating incredibly loud in his chest. „I’ll dress myself beforehand of course.“</p>
<p>Cat nodded and grabbed Chuck’s hand to pull him a little closer. „Please..“ she whispered and Chuck nodded, wanting to get up but she just held him. „It’s okay…“</p>
<p>He understood and laid down next to her. Chuck pulled Cat close, gently but firm enough. Her head rested against his bare chest. She could hear his heart beating steady, his skin felt warm and soft.</p>
<p>His hand was placed on her shoulder, rubbing her tense muscles in small circles.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„Does it help?“ Chuck asked.</p>
<p>„Yes..“ Cat mumbled, inhaling his scent deeply. Her body started to relax more and more. Carefully she placed a hand on his belly, drawing circles on his soft skin until she fell asleep cuddled up against Chuck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A couple hours later she woke up, still snuggled against Chuck. Carefully she peeled herself away from his warm body before getting up. Chuck was still sleeping, snoring a little bit.</p>
<p>Cat’s body was still a little bit tense but not as bad as it usually was. She left his room without saying goodbye, nearly bumping into Orange Cassidy in the hallway. Damn, he definitely saw which room she just left. He chuckled a little, lifting his hand to give her a thumbs up before going back to what seemed to be his own room.</p>
<p>Cat took the elevator down and got herself another key card. Quickly she returned to her own room, taking a hot shower and trying to process what happened the night before.</p>
<p>Chuck had been incredibly nice and caring. That wasn’t anything Cat was used to. Most people got annoyed by her anxiety or the way she was reacting to some things. Or her special needs when it came to skin on skin contact. For her it was calming and offering a safe feeling to just feel someone. But with being constantly rejected she got used to not getting anything like that at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The hot water helped her muscles to loosen a lot more.</p>
<p>Cat ate some of the nuts and crackers off the mini fridge before getting dressed in some casual clothes for her meet and greet later on. She could feel her depression kicking in. Time was feeling like thick honey, barely passing at all.</p>
<p>It knocked on her door a couple of times but she just sat at the big window, staring into the cloudy sky.</p>
<p>A couple alarms going off on her phone until she finally got up and took her backpack to head towards the location of the meet and greet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was just a simple, smallish room with a table and a couple of chairs. Different beverages placed neatly in the middle of the table.</p>
<p>„Just wait here for a moment please.“ The young lady said before leaving her alone. She sat down on a chair, trying to keep her anxiety under control.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few minutes later the door opened and Cat’s worst nightmare became reality when Chuck Taylor, alongside Trent and Orange, entered the room.</p>
<p>Shame was burning in her body, everything tingled.</p>
<p>Orange chuckled at the sight of Cat, remembering that she left Chuck’s room in the morning with a robe. „Thought you’re not into fans…“ he laughed towards Chuck but only got a fairly hard slap against the back of his head.</p>
<p>„Ignore him, Cat. Sorry…“ Chuck said, sitting down in the chair right next to her.</p>
<p>„Is anyone going to tell me what’s happening?“ Trend asked in confusion.</p>
<p>„I… Orange saw me coming out of Chuck’s room this morning, clearly assuming that we… had a… that we hooked up. But I can assure you. He only helped me through an anxiety attack.“ Cat rambled, her face was burning like crazy.</p>
<p>„And you left without saying a word.“ Chuck stated and somehow he sounded disappointed.</p>
<p>„Sorry. Thought it would be a little bit awkward. I really appreciated your help but I’m not… I’m bad with people usually.“ Cat said and stared at the table.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„You were the one in the hallway last night?“ Trent asked and she only nodded. „And you were having like an anxiety attack? Because of the meet and greet?“</p>
<p>„I don’t know why to be completely honest. Anxiety has been a big part of my life. It’s just one of many problems. But Chuck helped me through the night and I’m very grateful.“ Cat suddenly felt tears creeping up. It had been the first time in years that someone was there for her during an attack. And technically he was a stranger but still did what he did. „Excuse me…“ Cat jumped up, not even grabbing her stuff before rushing out of the room. As soon as she left the tears started falling. She wasn’t really sure why but they just did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat found a women’s bathroom and just hid there, letting the tears flow.</p>
<p>She watched herself in the huge mirror and just felt hate burning in her veins. Why did she run away? Earlier this morning and just now? Why was her life just a mess?</p>
<p>Cat got rid of her pullover, revealing her scarred forearms. She turned the water to hot, letting it hit her skin. Eyes still fixed on her reflection.</p>
<p>„<em>I hate you</em>…“ she mumbled over and over again towards herself.</p>
<p>Cat had no idea how long she just stood there, hot water burning on her skin, tears still falling. But at some point the door opened and Chuck peaked his head into the bathroom. „Cat?“</p>
<p>She flinched, hiding her arms behind her back. „No.. please… just let me alone.“</p>
<p>He shook his head, slowly entering the room. „You’re not okay and I won’t let you be by yourself right now.“ Chuck stood right in front of her, gently placing his hands on her shoulders.</p>
<p>Cat just melted under his warm palms, letting herself stumble against his body. Chuck just wrapped his arms around her body, holding her for a while. He felt wet spots on his shirt form but it didn’t bother him at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat relaxed more and more, regaining controll over her body and mind.</p>
<p>„Chuck…“ she whispered against his chest. „‘m sorry… I’ll just leave.“</p>
<p>He chuckled. „No, I won’t let you leave in this state of mind, Cat. You don’t need to apologise. It’s fine.“ His head rested on top of her hair. „Your hair smells amazing…“ he laughed a little.</p>
<p>„Orange and honey.“ She mumbled.</p>
<p>„I guess I got a soft spot for <em>oranges</em>.“ Chuck laughed and pressed her more firmly into his chest. „Are you okay?“</p>
<p>„I guess… it’s.. it’s just hard to focus right now. I mean.. I really like you and… I just feel shitty for ruining your night and now the meet and greet. I can’t stand my own emotions and that just makes it even harder. I… it’s a lot that I’m dealing with and I always thought getting out of my comfort zone and just be here would make everything better. But right now it feels worse.“ Cat said, trying her best not to cry anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„You want to talk about it? Like.. what’s going on in your mind? I’m a good listener I guess. We can just go back to the hotel.. or the room where Trent and Orange are waiting.. I’ll kick them out. Up to you.. but you’re not getting away from me until I know you’re alright. I’m one annoying asshole, for sure.“ Chuck laughed a little, unsure if this was the right way to talk to Cat but seemingly it worked and she agreed to talk to him if he cleared a room for them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He texted Trent to just grab Orange and leave, he would have a lot of explaining to do afterwards. But Cat seemed to feel better by the minute they settled down on the couch in the corner, Cat’s head resting against Chuck’s shoulder.</p>
<p>„So tell me, Cat…“ Chuck said after a while.</p>
<p>„I've got… where should I start. I’m a <em>borderliner</em>… you know what that means?“</p>
<p>„Don’t wanna say anything stupid…“ Chuck mumbled.</p>
<p>„Okay.. most people believe it just means you harm yourself.. but that is just one thing that can happen. I do. I know you saw my scars already. Borderline makes your emotions go freaking crazy. Like.. you feel everything more intense. The highs and especially the lows. I can’t deal with that emotional overload and cut myself. Nowadays way less than I did over the last couple years.“ Cat sat up, showing Chuck her arms. „I got more scars.. I don’t like them, I try to hide them. They just show how bad things were.“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gently Chuck touched a few bumpy ones on her left wrist.</p>
<p>„I got so desperate that I tried to kill myself. A few times to be honest. Not proud of it. I got depressions on top of my borderline bullshit personality…“</p>
<p>Chuck flinched a little at her wording. „I’m sure you don’t have a bullshit personality. Yeah, there might be some shittier parts. But we all have them. I… I got really bad anxiety sometimes.“ He sighed.</p>
<p>„I know.. well, not know but I’ve guessed. The way you behave sometimes.. whether during interviews or like during other things. You're doing the same I do.. hold yourself.. grab your arm.. that grounds us a little, right?“ Cat said and gently took Chuck’s hand in hers.</p>
<p>„Yeah. It’s always been calming for me. I’m slowly getting more used to just working through it. When I saw you last night it remembered me what I went through a couple of years ago. I’ve been the one running laps in empty corridors, sobbing and all that ugly stuff. But my boys have always been there..“ Cat rubbed circles with her thumb on Chuck’s hands. Calming them both.</p>
<p>„I’ve been through a lot of trauma. I guess that made everything else worse. Sometimes I just feel like a broken toy.. but I always had hopes and dreams. They kept me going. And now they’re getting less and less. And the anxiety only worse. That’s why I just entered this contest and won… and blew my opportunity.“ Cat started trembling, her emotions bubbling over. Chuck could feel it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„You want to.. like, cuddle? Or run through those hallways? Down for whatever you need to get whatever you have in you out.“</p>
<p>„Can.. can you just hold me?“ Her voice was cracking a little. Chuck nodded and pulled her close. He managed to pull her into his lap, her head resting against his collarbone.</p>
<p>„No matter what you think… you didn’t ruin my night or the meet and greet. I guess nobody else ever got that close to me..“ he chuckled. „Or got me to talk that much about myself. And I think those moments are worth so much more, Cat.“ Chuck kissed the top of her hair.</p>
<p>Cat let out a small sigh, letting herself relax even more against his warm body. „You’re amazing… thank you so much for what you’ve done. I think I’ve never felt that relaxed and safe and cared for. I’m so used to being on my own.. to just accept the fact that nobody is there..“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They just sat there for a while until Chuck’s phone kept buzzing. It was Trent, asking for him to join at catering.</p>
<p>„It’s fine. I’ll just head back to the hotel. I’ll be fine.“ Cat said as she peeled herself away from Chuck.</p>
<p>„Nonsense. You’re coming with me. And the event is starting in an hour.. so no need to go back to the hotel.“ Chuck smiled at her.</p>
<p>„I.. I don’t like big crowds. I was just here for the meet and greet, Chuck.“</p>
<p>„We got those big ass rooms up there.. you can get one for yourself… if you want I can join after my match. We’ll be in the first match.“ He said and smiled at her. „If you want I’ll ask Trent and Orange if they wanna join for a while so you get your proper meet and greet.“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat agreed, trying to fight her urge to just run away. She wouldn’t run away from her fear this time. Chuck grabbed her hand. „Catering?“</p>
<p>Slowly she nodded and grabbed her stuff with her free hand before Chuck guided her through the hallways.</p>
<p>It was quiet in the catering area. Barely anyone in sight as Chuck let go of her hand to grab a plate. „Get whatever you like.“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few minutes later they sat down across from Trent and Orange, Chuck making sure their legs would touch a little to let her feel safe.</p>
<p>„I am sorry for what happened earlier. I.. I’m weird with people sometimes.“ Cat said, eyes on her plate.</p>
<p>„All good. Aren’t we all a bit weird?“ Trent asked and Orange chuckled. Cat looked up, a little insecure when she realized he was already changed. Earlier he had a black shirt and no sunglasses but now he was wearing a white shirt, sunglasses and his denim jacket. Trent also had changed into his gear by now.</p>
<p>Only Chuck was still wearing casual clothes.</p>
<p>As if Chuck could read her mind he said that after finishing his plate he would go and quickly change into his ring outfit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And during that Cat stayed with Trent and Orange, playing with her fingers. She was slightly trembling. Orange sat down next to her.</p>
<p>„You okay?“ slowly he took off his sunglasses.</p>
<p>„Not sure.“ She said, trying to smile at him but failed.</p>
<p>„They showed us your contest entry earlier. When you left…“ Orange said. „You should be proud of you for even being here today. You’ve been through a lot.“</p>
<p>Cat could feel the color fading from her face.</p>
<p>„Don’t freak out, Catarina. It’s fine. You are doing amazing and there is nothing to be ashamed of. And you’re doing well with Chuck. I like that.“ Orange smiled and put his glasses back on.</p>
<p>„He… he just helped me..“ she muttered.</p>
<p>„I haven’t said anything else.“ He flashed her an even brighter smile before getting up slowly. „He <em>likes</em> you, I guess.“</p>
<p>„What.. what do you.. mean?“ Cat stuttered.</p>
<p>„You'll find out.“ Orange said before stepping away a couple feet. Despite being a little more talkative than in the ring, he was still not considered a big talker.</p>
<p>Cat’s mind was running circles. What did that mean? She was genuinely irritated. Yeah, Chuck was being amazingly nice and caring even though he didn’t knew her at all. But Cat guessed that wasn’t was Orange meant.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Chuck finally came back she was a mess and he instantly knew it, sitting down next to her. „What’s wrong?“</p>
<p>„Nothing.. just… I’m still not good with people.“ Cat smiled and let her head fall to the side to lean against Chuck’s bare shoulder.</p>
<p>„That’s gonna take time, Cat. I still suck in some of those situations. Should I take you to that room upstairs? You can just watch me wrestle and after the match I’ll just come right up. If you’re okay with me not showering… I just don’t wanna leave you alone for too long.“ He had placed his hand on her thigh gently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„As long as you’re not covered in blood it’s okay. Just.. blood is a trigger…“ Cat whispered.</p>
<p>„Yeah, I won’t come up all bloody, I promise.“ Chuck kissed the top of her head and inhaled her scent.</p>
<p>„You really like that…“ she giggled.</p>
<p>„No, I just wanna creep you out.“ Chuck laughed nervously. He wasn’t really aware that he did it again, it just came so naturally to him because he would do that with Trent and Orange on a kind of regular basis. He just loved their smell because it resembled safety. With them around he could be himself and let his walls down without the fear of rejection.</p>
<p>With her he got a similar feeling building in his body. Just with an added aspect that he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around. It just felt different.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He guided her upstairs, making sure she had something to drink and some snacks.</p>
<p>„I’ll be back as fast as I can.“ Chuck stood in front of her, their hands entangled as he gently placed a kiss on her forehead.</p>
<p>„You know that forehead kisses mean a promise.“ Cat said, her eyes locked on his.</p>
<p>„I know, Cat.“ He just repeated his motion, his lips lingering a little while longer against her skin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chuck felt his cheeks starting to heat up and stepped back. „See you in a bit…“ he muttered before leaving. Maybe he already had an idea what he felt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat settled down in a cozy chair and watched the start of the show a couple minutes later. Chuck had always been full of energy in the ring but today he seemed even more pumped up, bouncing around on the apron before he finally tagged himself in. He was on fire, doing an amazing job in the ring.</p>
<p>Their opponents, Brian Cage and Ricky Starks got disqualified during the match as they got out the hardware. Cage hit Chuck several times with a chair, one shot went straight to the back of Chuck’s head. Instantly his body got limp and he fell down onto the mat face first. Quickly a pool of blood showed and Cat felt sick.</p>
<p>She wanted to turn away but couldn’t peel her eyes of Chuck who was clearly unconscious. The ringside doctor jumped into the ring and Chuck got carried out shortly after.</p>
<p>Cat was trembling, her hands sweaty. She had no idea how to get back down. Chuck had guided her up and she hasn’t payed any attention at all. Tears were creeping up as her mind went into a full blown anxiety attack. But her legs felt to wobbly to even get up and try to walk it off.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She had lost her sense of time but at some point the door opened and Orange entered the room, visibly shaken.</p>
<p>„Catarina? You good?“ he asked and crouched down in front of her.</p>
<p>Cat shook her head slightly, trying to speak but she couldn’t.</p>
<p>„Chuck is backstage, getting stitches… he asked me to get you.“ Orange's voice was soft spoken, calming. „I know you’re not feeling well but I can help you. Trent is with Chuckie, helping him. Can you get up?“</p>
<p>Orange stood up, holding out his hand to help Cat into an upright position. She stood on shaking legs, her breathing ragged. He was still holding her hand. „I’ll guide you, okay? Everything will be just fine. Chuck is okay.“</p>
<p>„Okay..“ she managed to whisper and he flashed her a soft smile.</p>
<p>„Just hold on to my hand. There is some security outside.. they’ll escort us down.“ Cat nodded and let Orange guide her. It was like an out of body experience for her, not really realizing where they were going.</p>
<p>They came to an halt just outside the trainers room. „We should wait here.“ Orange let go of her hand as she let herself rest against the cool wall behind her. Cat was more relaxed than just minutes earlier. Orange stood next to her, slightly humming a melody she wasn’t recognizing but Cat found it very calming.</p>
<p>They just stood there for ten minutes until the door opened and Trent slipped out of the room, holding the hand of his best friend. Chuck was wearing a hoodie that was way too big for him.</p>
<p>„Cat…“ he mumbled and let go of Trent’s hand to step in front of her. „Sorry, I scared you. It was an unfortunate accident. But it’s fine now. Only 7 stitches.“ Gently he kissed her forehead. „I’m okay…“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat could hear Orange chuckle slightly next to her.</p>
<p>They quickly grabbed their stuff from the locker room before heading back to the hotel. The four settled down in Chuck’s room, making sure he was really okay. He seemed fine, just suffering from headache and a little dizziness.</p>
<p>An hour later Trent left to head into his bed. The three remaining kept talking about different things until Orange got tired and left. He kissed Chuck’s forehead before leaving, Chuck’s cheeks slightly blushed when he saw her gaze.</p>
<p>„You got a thing for forehead kisses?“ Cat smirked.</p>
<p>„Yep. It’s his promise to be there in the morning. To be there whenever I need him.“ Chuck said, playing with his hands.</p>
<p>„That’s cute… can… can I ask you a question?“</p>
<p>„If you want.“ Chuck said.</p>
<p>„You got any.. feelings for him?“ Cat bit her lip, feeling like she had just overstepped an invisible line.</p>
<p>„You mean like.. more than <em>friendship</em>?“ He took a deep breath. „Yes, I do. And he knows it. We got our way to live with it.“ He looked at her. „He’s okay with it. He accepts my feelings. Even though he doesn’t share them. It’s okay. We are still friends.“</p>
<p>„Doesn’t it hurt?“ Cat asked curiously.</p>
<p>„Sometimes. In those moments I tell him… and he keeps me close and tells me that someday I’ll find someone. Someone more than him. I wish I could be with him… but I accept the truth. We’re friends.“ Chuck let out a sigh before letting himself fall into his back slowly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„He said you like me. Like… it just sounded so weird to me.“ Cat said, laying down next to him and faced him. Chuck did the same.</p>
<p>„And he is right. You’re something special to me. I feel like we have some things in common.“ He gently touched her face, feeling her warm skin underneath his fingertips.</p>
<p>Cat let her eyes fall shut, enjoying the way her skin tingled. „Can… can you kiss me?“ she whispered and slowly opened her eyes to look into his green ones.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His lips curled into a smile. „If you want me to…“ Cat nodded and Chuck closed the gap between them, his lips gently touching hers. His eyes fell shut. Slowly Chuck lost himself in the warm, fuzzy feeling that was taking over his body and mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He stopped the kiss when he felt and tasted tears. His eyes flew open, seeing wet traces on Cat’s skin.</p>
<p>„What is wrong, Cat?“</p>
<p>Cat’s eyes opened slowly, a smile on her lips. „I’m just happy.. overwhelmed. It.. it was my first kiss.“ Her cheeks burned as they turned a crimson red.</p>
<p>„Oh…“ Chuck blushed slightly. „I hope it wasn’t a bad experience.“ His laughter was insecure as he took one of her hands to play with her fingers.</p>
<p>„I liked it..<em> I think</em>.“</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They left it at that, only cuddling gently. Chuck still felt a little exhausted and dizzy and Cat was finally able to shut down her brain.</p>
<p>Again Cat left before Chuck woke up. She was overwhelmed by all those feelings in her mind, too overwhelmed by his warm body snuggled against her own. She escaped and tried to push away this weird feeling towards Chuck.</p>
<p>When she finally arrived back at home she felt guilty for leaving him but that was her usual way to deal with difficult situations.</p>
<p>Cat barely had any energy left to shower, breaking down crying in the hot stream of water.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Things only got worse from that point. She wasn’t really eating, not brushing her hair, barely even looking at anything else than the ceiling. Her depression took over, worse than before.</p>
<p>It had been a week or two since meeting Chuck. Cat was still trapped in her own world, barely able to keep herself upright. She had smashed her mirror in the bathroom a few days prior, her hand was still covered in cuts and bruises. Her arms and legs weren’t looking any different. All those feelings made it impossible for her to stay away from harming herself. It was like each and every progress she had ever made was just whiped away after running away from Chuck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was the middle of the night when she heard knocks on her door. Loud and rapidly. With shaking legs she got out of bed, walking through the hallway.</p>
<p>Carefully she opened the door just to see Chuck standing in the pouring rain, drenched.</p>
<p>„Cat?“ he asked with a trembling voice.</p>
<p>Her eyes went just wider and wider before she slowly pushed the door shut but Chuck got his feet in between.</p>
<p>„Please… just five minutes. I.. I just <em>need</em> to know you’re okay.“</p>
<p>Cat knew she wouldn’t stand a chance against Chuck anyway so she stepped back, letting him enter. He took off his shoes and his dripping wet jacket. His dark hair was soaked and it kept dripping into his eyes. Slowly she walked into her bathroom, grabbing a fresh towel for him.</p>
<p>„Thanks, Cat. I’m sorry to just appear at two in the morning… but I’ve been trying to find you for days now and I felt like I really needed to.“ Chuck said while drying off his hair and his face.</p>
<p>Cat shrugged, not trusting her voice at all. Chuck made a step towards her, trying to grab her hand but Cat flinched away just in time. Slowly she backed into her living room, trying to escape him. She wasn’t sure why. Because all that she wanted was him to hug her and tell her that everything would be okay someday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chuck followed her slowly, his concern still growing even though he finally knew she was still alive. But her condition looked just awful.</p>
<p>„Cat.. please talk to me.“ Chuck pleaded.</p>
<p>She felt her energy dropping, her body going to shut down on her. Cat sat down on her couch, her heart pounding like crazy.</p>
<p>Chuck realized in what state of mind she was when her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Quickly he sat down next to her, pulling her close. „I’m here… Cat, it’s okay. I’m with you.“</p>
<p>Cat felt his icy cold, wet clothes on her and it snapped her out of it. Chuck was holding her tight for minutes, babbling nonsense just to calm her down.</p>
<p>When she was finally able to move her own body she got out of his hold to sit upright. „Chuck…“ her voice was breaking, sounding extremely raspy. Not having spoken for a week had definitely taken its toll on her vocal cords.</p>
<p>„I’m here, Cat.“ He gently touched her face and her eyes fell shut. „Do you have something to eat in your apartment? You need something to eat I think.“</p>
<p>A few minutes later Chuck stood in the small kitchen and cooked up some pasta. His mind was running circles. The cuts on her arms looked awful and Chuck was sure there were more on her body. It nearly make him cry to see her in this condition, barely able to keep her own body upright.</p>
<p>He had to help her eat the pasta and she only could eat a small portion. But at least she got a little bit of nutrition and was slowly relaxing against him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„Why did you leave me?“ Chuck asked quietly.</p>
<p>„I don’t know. It was too much… I got overwhelmed by my feelings and I had to run. I’m sorry…“ Cat whispered, tears filling her eyes.</p>
<p>„It’s okay. I was just afraid.. it took me so long to get your address. I got it a couple hours ago and just jumped into my car to drive here. I was so afraid… in my nightmares I’d find you dead…“</p>
<p>„Still alive.. <em>sadly</em>.“ Cat’s voice was nothing more than a whisper.</p>
<p>„Stop saying that. I’m glad you’re alive. Please, let me help you.“ Chuck felt this lump in his throat only grow, realizing how bad she really was feeling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat was way too exhausted to put up a fight, instead she curled up next to Chuck and just fell asleep.</p>
<p>He watched her for a while before he quickly jumped under the shower. He felt much better afterwards, wrapped in a thick blanket next to her.</p>
<p>It was a little bit uncomfortable on the small couch so he decided to pick Cat up and carry her into her bed before returning to the couch to get a little bit of rest before the night was over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chuck woke up a couple hours later, instantly getting up to check on Cat. She was awake, her arms bloody. Her eyes looked empty, it was like she wasn’t even realizing that he was there.</p>
<p>„Cat? Hey.. you there?“ he asked, sitting down on the bed.</p>
<p>She snapped out of her thoughts, instantly trying to hide her arms when she realized Chuck was there.</p>
<p>„It’s okay, baby…“ he whispered, carefully grabbing one of her arms. „Let me see…“</p>
<p>Her eyes fell shut as she gave it, letting Chuck look at what she had done to herself. Her arms looked awful.</p>
<p>Chuck got up to get a fresh towel and a bowl of warm water to clean off the blood before asking her for the first aid kit so he could bandage both arms. She was incredibly quiet, not flinching at all. Chuck knew she was lost in her darkness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He fed her some of the leftover pasta due to the fact that her fridge was empty. Then he grabbed her hairbrush and her conditioner. It took him nearly two hours to detangle her long hair. They barely spoke but he felt her relax whenever he gently touched her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Over the next couple of hours he just held her close, both only getting up to go to the toilet a few times. He made sure she was drinking enough water and that she finished the pasta. It was already dark outside when he got up and told her he would head to the store to grab some food. Cat weakly nodded and rolled into a ball once again, her nose burried where Chuck had been just moments before.</p>
<p>Quickly he went grocery shopping, getting a few things to help her with the fresh cuts and scars. And maybe a bottle or two of his favorite bourbon. It was just something he would need to unwind from time to time. Just let go of the chaos in his mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat had asked for a drink but Chuck refused since he had no idea how she was doing with alcohol in her system.</p>
<p>When they both headed to bed in the middle of the night his mind was slightly clouded from the drinks he had. Cat was still wide awake as he wrapped his arm around her, holding her casually.</p>
<p>It didn’t took too long for him to fall asleep and snore into her ear gently. She found it somewhat adorable. Half an hour later she was sure she could move without waking him up and left the bedroom, grabbing his phone on the way into the living room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She unlocked it and smiled at the picture of Chuck and Orange together. She looked up his number and typed it into her own phone before placing Chuck’s phone on the table. Cat grabbed the half empty bottle of bourbon and just started chugging the burning liquid down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat realized that she was still wearing her puppy PJs Chuck had selected earlier. But she didn’t wanted to head back into the bedroom so she just grabbed her sneakers, her phone and the bottle of alcohol before leaving her flat.</p>
<p>It was just a few hundred feet to the forest nearby, it was pouring like crazy and she was wet within a few moments. But Cat wasn’t feeling anything.</p>
<p>She headed straight to the small summer camp side in the forest, clearly nobody was there in the middle of november. She had been there quite often over the past couple years so she knew where to find the hidden spare key to the main cabin. Cat sat down, drowning her thoughts in more bourbon.</p>
<p>She took her phone out and looked at it for a while before writing a message to Orange.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>„<em>Your friend needs you. Please come as fast as you can. I’m sorry</em>.“</p>
<p>She added the address of her flat before sending it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cat felt her hot tears on her icy cold cheeks. She knew Chuck would be devastated.</p>
<p>But she couldn’t fight. And she certainly never wanted to drag him into this.</p>
<p>Quickly she typed a note into her phone before placing the phone on the nearby table as she got up on wobbling knees to get one of the swings they always took off during the winter break. She tied one end to the post above her head, the other one around her neck.</p>
<p>Cat couldn’t hold up her body anymore, slumping down. The rope was tight, restricting her breathing. She could feel how she lost consciousness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chuck woke up to loud and rapid knocks early in the morning. He was slightly lost when he realized that Cat wasn’t next to him. Slowly he got up, feeling slightly hung over. He opened the door just to look into Orange’s worried face.</p>
<p>„Where is she?“ he asked and Chuck suddenly was wide awake.</p>
<p>He searched the whole flat, finding his own phone in the living room with the sound turned off.</p>
<p>„<em>Chuck</em>…“ Orange said, holding his hand out towards his best friend.</p>
<p>Chuck stopped in his tracks, getting over to Orange to let him hug him for a moment.</p>
<p>They called the police and within a couple of hours they found her dead body in the cabin. Chuck felt completely lost, crying in Orange’s arms for what felt like hours.</p>
<p>Chuck knew that she was in a better place now but it was still breaking him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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